back to the start

i am home
i got back to my hometown of Auburn, MA on Thursday afternoon
started driving Friday morning from Tempe, AZ
Slept in the van Friday, Saturday, Sunday nights
it is cold everywhere
even though i tried taking the southern-most route possible
I just drove as much as i could, stopped to eat, use bathrooms, and sleep
Sunday I stopped in Little Rock, AR to get a day pass at a gym
just to stretch my body
and take a hot shower
Spirits had been falling
Monday night I stayed with a dear spirit sister’s mother and father in Virginia
Arriving at their usual bedtime of 11pm to be greeted by a warm meal and glass of wine waiting
And conversation deep into the night
Tuesday and Wednesday I spent tending to beautiful and important relations in New York
To arrive back home Thursday
Well, but weary
Worn
Ready to lay me down
For a long rest

It has been a very long stretch of path
With this coming solstice marking 3 years on the road
And while I have stationed myself in San Francisco for a few multi-month stretches
as well as a few month-long stretches here and there in Colorado, San Diego, and Austin
overall, I have been on the move for almost 3 years now

throughout much of this past year, i have been hearing whispers and calls and signs pointing to the need for roots
deeper roots
deeper grounding
and have been listening
and hearing
AND
I have been continuing to move
unclear as to where
or how
to stop

as i arrive at the end of a long journey in many ways
of course back where i began
i begin to see with a new clarity
the enormity of these past years
this past year in particular
this experience of my Saturn Returns
the years of crossing the true threshold between the childhood and adulthood
of leaving an old way of being
and embarking on this quest of a life in a new way

the word wreckage keeps coming up as I unpack my soul here
and look back at this past year
Last winter solstice, I sat in ceremony to prepare for the year ahead
and for the following month I kept returning to this vision
of a place that was silent and still and bright and hazy and empty
with nothing but gray ash floating in slow motion through the blindingly bright gray skies
I wasn’t sure what this was about
but it felt like the space immediately following an atomic explosion
the space suspended eternally between the great boom
and the rush of life flowing back in to sort through rubble, clear, address, assess, and rebuild
deafening silence
and nothingness

early in February I received a phone call in the middle of the night that brought the explosion into my field
the voice of one of my oldest friends informing me that the man that sat in the seat of my best friend for my entire adolescence had died of suicide

I was ripped out of my life as I was perceiving it and experiencing it
and found myself in that space
the ash space
and in between the tidal waves of grief and emotion
I found myself kneeling down before my soul’s altar
which had been completely cleared away by the explosion
everything just wiped off the table in a moment
no choice but to surrender
the experience too traumatic and enormous and powerful to resist in any way
just was brought to my knees
and all I could do was keep breathing
forced surrender

since then has been a journey of reassessing what it is that needs to be used to rebuild the altar
and what is gone forever
what is needed
and all that is not can be gone
what is real
and all that is not can be gone

there has been a great deal of new life I have found growing up from the cracks
new life I have been praying for and preparing for
and it is beautiful and moving to see green sprouts of medicinal life coming back up from the parched earth
and it remains humbling and breathtaking to see the scars
and the remnants
and the wreckage left behind

it seems appropriate that yesterday
my first full day back home
was the birthday of my dear fallen brother Paul
he was born 28 years ago
and while he couldn’t complete his 28th lap around the sun in physical form
I am raising prayers of gratitude and celebration
that he came into this existence at all
and infused the world with his life and spirit
infused my world and life with his spirit

yesterday was an opportunity for me to practice what I’ve been being taught
about allowing the emotions to come and go like waves
and learning to surf
instead of being bowled over
and coming back to the place inside
that knows we are not the waves
we are the ocean

and this requires stillness
and groundedness
which requires being in one place
and letting my root drop into the earth
and I am grateful to be home
home
to allow myself to do this
to feel
to grieve
to remain in center
to love
to remember
to honor
to pray
to listen

10 years ago
almost exactly
my Aunt Jeanmarie died unexpectedly
she was my hero and role model and champion and protector and saw me beyond all the forms and ideas and veils, and she celebrated it
and when she died it destroyed everything in my life
seemed to leave no field unburned
and I was not only in the pain
but also in the terror that the pain would kill me
and destroy me
because I was confused about who and what I really was and am
beyond the thoughts ideas forms experiences attachments
so I ran from it
denied it
disconnected
shut off
numbed
hid

and somewhere in the years of grieving that followed
I woke up and realized that I had been completely transformed by her death
by my grieving process of her death
just as potently and powerfully as I had been by her life
and I realized the grieving process, while at times excruciating, did not kill me
would not kill me
but instead fortified me and showed me just what kind of fires I could walk through
and I was shown that the real full potency of our spirit and purpose
is not fully released into the earth and her people
until we cross over the great threshold into death
and release the physical form that carries our souls
and I realized that it was part of Jeanmarie’s life work
to die and show me that

When Paul died
I felt Jeanmarie standing behind me stronger than I had at any point since her death
and every time the grief swells threatened to take me out
I heard her
and felt her
reminding me what this is
and that it is survivable
and at some point through it there will be the freedom after transformation

I am so very sad that Paul is not here in his body to celebrate his birth
and while I know that who he really is
who he really always was, before his birth and after his death,
I know that is still right here
and in some way we have access to being with him even more intimately than we could have in embodiment
and
I also know that we all knew and experienced Paul’s essence, his spirit, through his body
through his face and its many expressions
through his hair and its many expressions 😉
through his voice and words and laugh and the movements of his body and hands
and I miss all of that
and I grieve that his human experience of pain brought him through the threshold of death so much sooner than any of us wanted or could have imagined
and I also am grateful that on some level, my soul knows that his soul had a job to do, and he did what he could of that work in his physical life
and his soul is doing the rest through his death
and
I miss him
we all do

…..

so I am home
and I am at the end of a chapter
because when I do leave this place again
after some months of rest and recovery
I will be going out in a new way
no more 365 days a year of traveling
I will head west
to the pacific
to drop a root by the San Francisco bay
to deepen my work and engagement with my community there
to deepen my work and engagement with my music there
to deepen my work and engagement with my soul there
being a nomad is part of who I am
and I will continue to travel
but I will do so leaving from a rooted place
and returning to said rooted place

my work and life and expressions are expanding
and in order to support this growth and expansion
I need a much deeper sense of groundedness
to anchor and hold that expansion
without putting my own physical and energetic bodies in danger

Being so physically ungrounded for so long has left myself quite exposed
on physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual levels
and I have not been as present as required with my energy exchanges
and the result has led to a deep need to pause

I am going into some sort of “monk mode” as I am jokingly referring to it
for the next stretch of days
to be very silent and very still and very simple
in action and thought and nourishment
and I do so in order to gather my energies back
and assess my field
and heal the wounds I have been unable to appropriately address while moving all over the place so much
and cultivate the source
Source
that is within
so that I can be strong and well and vibrant and protected
as I go forth into my time here with my first community
my original home
the family and friends from which I come
to which I belong
as well as so I can go forth into the next chapter of my life
the next chapter of the Tribe of Dreams
to learn and serve and and heal and continue to transform
my heart
mind
body
community
species
planet

may we take impeccable care of our selves
my dear brothers and sisters
all of our selves
because we are all needed
here on Mothership Earth
and if we are to be of any good at all
we ourselves must we well
unified
and truly alive

love to all beings everywhere
peace for the children
we are all the children
aho

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