yes and thank you

for so long i prayed for surrender
i used to kneel down every morning
forehead to floor
and say
“I surrender”
it was a symbolic practice
only
because i was not surrendered

at some point
i stopped doing that
and my prayer changed
“please
teach me how to surrender”
because i started seeing that the deep suffering in my life was a result of my futile efforts to hold on to impermanence

or bend life to my will

the suffering was a result of my attachments and expectations

of how things should be
of how i wanted things to be
of how things were supposed to be

according to me

i’m not talking about my sorrow
i’m talking about my suffering

they are different

sorrow is an intricate part of the tapestry
the great suffering though
has always been my resistance to the sorrow
my fear of it
my anger over it
my efforts to shift it
move it
change it
hide it
alleviate it

because i didn’t know the experience of true trust

that if i surrendered

i would be ok

and everything else would be ok

somehow

whatever that means

 

i wept today
and i felt the depths of my sorrows
deep in my soul
and didn’t resist it
or judge it as bad
or good
just felt it
allowed it all the space it needed
and when i remembered my breath
the great treasure map back to center
to here and now
i knew the sorrow to be the same as joy
somehow
the most vibrant expression of life
of love
of humanity
the thing that makes us alive
and not machines
beyond ideas of right or wrong or fair or unfair or painful or pleasurable
the joy and the sorrow
exist together
as one
in harmony

and it is not suffering

i listened to the tides of my breath
come in
linger
roll out
i caught a glimpse of my eyes in the rear view mirror
mighty ocean washing my cheeks
and heard a voice
my voice
god’s voice
the same
from deep within my heart well
say
“this is surrender
surrender is a prayer
of yes
and of thank you
surrender is being humble beyond comprehension of the mind
allowing life
in its beauty
and carnage
to happen
not around me
not to me
but with me
and through me
showing up for it
not cowering away
not denying

or pushing away

even one bit of the here and now”

 

i’ve been kneeling down every morning again lately 

putting my forehead to the earth

but i don’t say anything anymore

other than yes

and thank you

and i wait

until i feel like i can get up

and walk my path

without ever really taking my knees

or my forehead

from its rightful spot

kissing the earth

 

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One comment on “yes and thank you

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