Keep letting go

I am currently reading Ram Dass’s book, “Be Love Now.”

His book “Be Here Now” has continued to transform me and my life since it came into my hands in the deserts of Marfa, TX in the summer of 2012.

In “Be Love Now,” he talks a lot about “the guru.”

His guru’s name is Maharaji

I think it is a term we misunderstand here

in the West




One of Ram Dass’s teaching

is that guru = self = god

That some need to find the guru embodied in the flesh

to learn how to love

and be loved

and surrender

But ultimately

the guru is a mirror

for the guru that is within

each of us

Some call it the “higher self”

some call it the “atman”

but my understanding

is that the guru

or god

is sitting on a lotus flower

in complete love and compassion

in the seat of my soul


and that we are not separate

but One.


I have been seeing “the guru” show up a lot lately

to humble me

and chuckle at my pride

and my ego

and trip me up a bit

to point it out

and bring me back

to present awareness


Present awareness

if you ask me

means not being trapped with the walls of my ego-mind

and mistaking that for reality

but instead

being out here in the world

present and aware and engaged

in much more

than just what is going on inside my mind


I don’t know how else to describe it

other than

when I return to the present

from my musings of the past

or future

or fantasies about how i would like things to be

or fantasies about how I would not like things to be

or fantasies about how I would have liked things to be

or imaginary conversations between myself and others

when I return to the present moment again

almost ALWAYS by remembering to follow my breath

for it is the treasure map home to here

it literally feels like I had been inside the 4-walled room of my mind for so long that I forgot there was a whole world outside of the room and took the small space in which I was contained as the whole of reality and got lost there and didn’t even know I was lost there

but then

it’s as if

i see the doorway out

and it isn’t locked

because it never is

and i walk through it

back into creation


it feels like sitting up straight

and pulling my shoulders back

so that my heart is bared

instead of hunching over

so that my heart

is buried


it feels like opening doors

and curtains

after a hibernation

and letting air

and light



it feels like waking up


it feels like coming home


So yes, the guru has been showing up

a lot

and I am grateful


I was at yoga the other night

and I set up my mat next to the altar in the front of the room

and got myself situated

and then started meditating until class began.

I followed my breath


and deeper

into my heart

and all else started to fall away.

The chatter of the other students getting set up

the studio itself

the city outside

my past

my thoughts

all fell away

until it was just breath

and then as I began to experience whispers of what felt like Oneness

in which there is no separation between self

and all else

in the universe

And then Tony Eason

the teacher

walked by me

and I heard him say jokingly say

“Well look, we have a new teacher today.”

Before I knew it,

my ego took the bait

my eyes fluttered open

eager to affirm that, yes, he was talking about me

because yeah man!  how holy do i look sitting here meditating?!

and boom

thrown from the wedding feast!

the lions at the gate!


Tony chuckled

I chuckled

the guru chuckled




It is uncomfortable

pretty much every single time

that my pride

my fear

my ego

my desire

is pointed out to me

and yet

it is the prayer

Humble me

Guide me

Show me my gifts

so that I may learn to use them

Show me my wounds

so that i may learn to heal them

Show me my ego

so that I may learn to wield it as my heart’s humble servant


I have allowed myself

and sometimes others

to pat my back

for how much I’ve seemingly let go of

how much i have trusted

in going out on this journey

and living like this

and boy has that felt nice on my ego

and yet

every day that i allow it

I am being shown more

and more

and more

of my attachments.

Sure, plenty of attachments have fallen by the wayside

and sure, some of them have shifted

but I have created new attachments along the way

and attachment

is attachment

is attachment

and attachment is desire

and desire is a trap

and desirelessness is liberation


My attachments remain

to silence

to privacy

to food

to stillness

to money

to beauty

to medicine

to bliss

to name just a few


“Oh but those things aren’t bad things to be attached to!”


But its not about good or bad

Bad only exists

when we create good

in essence

things are neither





is attachment

is attachment

even the attachments to “being spiritual”

and to “being well”

and to “being centered”

are attachments

that must

and will be surrendered

somewhere along the path.


The Tao te Ching tells me

that my three greatest treasures

are simplicity


and patience

“Simple in actions and in thoughts,
you return to the source of being.
Patient with both friends and enemies,
you accord with the way things are.
Compassionate toward yourself,
you reconcile all beings in the world.”

It also tells me to stop doing

and allow my self to be

in the same way a river runs

a bird flies

a mountain crumbles

and a baby is born


Get out of the way

and let life unfold

and be present

and take part

and get free

and love love love….


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